"We are all a work in progress."

The year was 1995.  I was working at the Country Club of Jackson and I was loving the independence of having my own car.  Technically I classify the teenage me as a fairly typical kid that stayed out of trouble.  My normal route to work took me 8-9 minutes and I think I drove the same route hundreds of times.  But then one day things were a bit different.
(Let's keep in mind this is before cell phones.)
As I was driving to work early on a Saturday morning I was admittedly pre-occupied.  I still remember thinking about a girl and fidgeting with the radio.  
Next thing I know I look up and hammer a mail box.  It went flying 20 feet into the air.
In that moment I was scared to death.  In a blink of an eye I chose to drive away and go to work.
The rest of the day I was constantly looking over my shoulder and internally my stomach was in knots all day long.
Now here's the truth.  For four days I felt this heavy weight of guilt.  Yet I did nothing.  Then on day four I walked to the front door and knocked.
More on this later...  

On a recent run I asked my good friend, "do you believe in second chances?"  My friend chuckled.  He then blurted out, you're an educator...of course you believe in second, third, and fourth chances.
The question now becomes, do you believe in second chances?

There are three schools of thought when it comes to giving second chances.
One, people can change, no one is perfect.  We should give second chances.
Two, by giving multiple chances we are enabling.
Three, some acts do not deserve second chances.

Admittedly, I'm a believer that people can change.  Recently, ESPN chose to hire Ryan Leaf after an ugly history of drugs, theft, prison and burglary. You can read the story here.  Personally, I applaud ESPN. Giving Ryan Leaf an opportunity, a fresh start in the booth is a risk, but it says a lot about their belief in people.

Life is interesting.  Can I tell you a couple things I've learned?  

First, I've learned that being magnanimous makes a person feel better about themself.  Simply put, being able to forgive is healthy for us. 
Research states: "There's nothing wrong with healthy anger, but when anger is very deep and long lasting, it can do a number on us systemically," he says. "When you get rid of anger, your muscles relax, you're less anxious, you have more energy, your immune system can strengthen."
In one meta-analysis, for example, Yoichi Chida, MD, PhD, found that anger and hostility are linked to a higher risk of heart disease, and poorer outcomes for people with existing heart disease (Journal of the American College of Cardiology, 2009). "When you stand up to the pain of what happened to you and offer goodness to the person who hurt you, you change your view of yourself."

Second, I do believe people can change.  I refer to the Ryan Leaf story.  Admittedly, Ryan spoke of meeting a veteran in prison and that relationship led him on a road of recovery.  

As human beings we are prone to making mistakes.  Some mistakes can be fixed fairly easily and other mistakes leaving lasting scars.  I challenge you to think about yourself.  Are you able to give second chances?  

I'm glad I knocked on that front door.  But you know what I'm even more grateful for?  The person that answered accepted my apology and allowed me to share my remorse and make it right.  Each day I try very hard to not judge people.  Everyone has a story and everyone's journey is filled with both successes and failures.  I choose to have a heart that believes in second chances.
Does a student in your class need a second chance? Does a colleague need to be forgiven? We can all benefit from forgiving and choosing to support people on the journey of life.

​"Strength lies in differences, not in similarities." - Stephen Covey

The very first time it happened was 8th grade.

I was a solid student. I tried hard to please my teachers.  I participated in class and truly worked hard.  For over eight years I felt that my teachers believed in me, liked me, and thought I was a good kid.  One big part of my desire to please my teachers is that I never wanted to disappoint them, because I knew they believed in me.

Then I arrived in 8th grade.

I had one particular teacher that quite frankly was a mean person.  He talked down to kids.  He read the newspaper at his desk while we did worksheets.  And if he did talk to you it was only to yell at you.  I hated his class and because I hated his class I began to hate Science.  But then I got in trouble and things really changed.  I was finishing a pop quiz and the rule was to pass them to the people in front so they would end up in the front of the room (making it so the teacher didn't have to walk around).  As I prepared to pass mine forward I noticed I forgot my name.  I pulled the paper back and wrote my name.  The teacher accused me of being a cheater and ripped my paper up right then and there.  I remember wanting to cry but instead I just put my head down completely defeated.  I knew that teacher didn't like me.  I knew that teacher thought I was a trouble maker.  I knew that teacher didn't believe in me as a person or a student.  So what happened?  I did the bare minimum for the first time in my life.  There was no desire to do my best.  My goal was to get by, and don't get noticed.  I didn't participate, I didn't talk and I began to dislike school.

Simple Truth: Boys and Girls are VERY different.

What research says about boys is this:

1. On average, boys are more active than girls.  Research states, boys need to move around. The increased demands on reading and learning have added pressure to schools and teachers.  It's normal to feel pressure as an educator.  Unfortunately many of our young males struggle to sit and attend for long stretches of time. 
2. Boys of almost any age are more interested in technology and video games compared to girls. (Why Boys Aren't Learning)
3. Research says that boys often develop slower in the areas of reading and writing, compared to their female peers.  What this means is, as boys grow up they lose confidence or potentially find ways to "fake it". Most people call this, coping strategies.  (Understanding & Raising Boys)
4. Statistics clearly state that boys are suspended far more than girls. Additionally, in nationwide studies boys have much higher absence rates than girls. (Boys do Worse than Girls)
5. There are far more boys in Special Education than girls. By the time students reach high school 67% of all special education students in America are boys. (Why Boys Aren't Learning)

I could keep going, but I think you get the point.  There is a gender gap.  So the question is, how do we improve this?

Here are two ways things can begin to improve.  Let's go back to my beginning story.  What I believe about the majority of boys is this, they want people to believe in them!  This may seem simple, but it's not.  Boys want to feel as though there teacher or coach or parent has complete belief in them.  Boys sense doubt and often times this creates anxiety.  The anxiety can manifest into anger, sadness, withdrawal, or avoidance.  If you connect with a young man, develop trust and truly believe in the best of that young man you are significantly more likely to have that boy run through walls for you.  Boys want to be believed in. 
A perfect example, I have a fourteen year old son that right now he believes one of his teachers sees him as a trouble maker.  His number one goal is to simply go unnoticed and get by.  How sad! He's 14 and learning isn't the focus, it's simply survival and move on. 

Second, it takes a true art in dealing with boys that make mistakes.  My best advice is to deliver consequences out of honor rather than obedience.  I would encourage adults to not make a list of rules, rather than a list, define 2-3 clear expectations.  Let's be realistic, boys will make mistakes.  When a mistake occurs the purpose must focus on restorative practices.  For example, a boy defaces property or litters.  Restorative practices are critical.  It should begin with, the truth.  Next comes an apology to show remorse.  The third and final step is to make things right.  In this situation the student should work with a custodian to see the problem from another persons point of view. This builds on honor, not obedience.

Years ago I watched a Ted Talk by Rita Pierson.  Click on her name to watch it.  This is still my absolute favorite Ted Talk to date.  To quote Rita, "Kids don't learn from people they don't like."  If we as a society are going to help boys succeed in school we must acknowledge that there is a problem. Then start doing something about it.

Think about your school or classroom.  Is there a difference in behavior? test scores? attendance? suspensions?

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
- Mahatma Gandhi

Life can be strange.  One minute you feel confident, fulfilled and joyful.  The next minute you can feel depressed, negative and unappreciated. 

Late Fall of 2016 I found myself scouring different sites for what I believed would potentially be, "a fresh start".  I had convinced myself that I needed a change to get my mojo back.  I thought a new position would re-ignite my spark.  For the remainder of 2016 and the first half of 2017 I was updating my resume and keeping my eyes and ears wide open.  

Over the course of a year I had stretches where I felt like the normal me, and I also had weeks that I was negative and distant.  The people closest to me could see it.  They knew I was not myself, but when confronted I didn't have a real good answer.  My normal response was something about being busy and feeling stressed.  Truth be told, it was a lot of little things that led to a loss of passion.  But if I'm really honest it was one main thing...

I was selfish.

For years I prided myself in building relationships with people.  I blogged, I did podcasts, I presented, I connected with people all across the nation.  And then slowly I became my own worst enemy.  I would see social media posts and compare myself to others.  I would read books by my friends and feel the need to do the same.  I lost my way.  I felt undervalued.  This led to negativity, deflection and less patience.

It's important for me to state, during these dark days I still tried very hard to pick myself up.  I sent cards to friends, I visited colleagues, I met with community members, I volunteered on committees, I coached my son's sports teams and I vacationed with my wife and family.  Not all days were full of despair.  However, many days I felt exhausted in the evening.  I had held it together the best I could during the day and I was simply emotionally whipped.

Overcoming the Darkness
By default I'm a very reflective and analytical person.  Roughly a year ago I went to my doctor and had my yearly physical.  At the end of my appointment I decided to ask him about depression.  Was what I was feeling normal?  Was it depression?  Was it a mid-life crisis?  My doctor was very understanding and we talked for several minutes.  In retrospect this was the first step in getting back to being me.

Step two happened this past summer.  Our district went to Chicago for a conference.  Joining me were several terrific teachers.  After each session each one sought me out to share another game changing idea to make Warner even better.  Trouble was, I loved their enthusiasm, but I feared for how things would go when school started.  I feared pushback and the day to day struggles.  For over two weeks I fought with myself.  How could I best support my enthusiastic teachers, but not make too much change for the rest of the staff?  I wrestled with this for weeks and I must have been awful to be around.  I was wanting to please everyone...this was a recipe for disaster.  The focus needed to shift.  Unfortunately, I didn't have all the answers.  But as I reflect, this was a key piece of the journey back to me.

Step three occurred at a very unlikely time.  I was on a morning run with two good friends when I blew my calf muscle.  I was on the verge of devastation.  It was going to take me away from exercise and physical fitness.  Yet luckily I discovered I could ride my bicycle.  For the next 5 weeks I became a bike rider and in turn, I began listening to audiobooks.  In five weeks I finished eight books.  I loved it! I found a light in what I first thought was darkness.  Part of the light was my good fortune in reading The Positive Dog and The Energy Bus.  

Step four occurred in mid-October of 2018.  I was at my breaking point with pushback.  I was beaten down with naysayers and those subtle digs about change, leadership and too much too soon.  It was that weekend that I had a long voxer conversation with a trusted friend.  That conversation led me to stay the course.  It wasn't about pleasing everyone.  It was about doing what was right.

Step five was in early November.  This was the final piece for me.

Two events happened.  The first was completely by happenstance.  I took a few minutes to peruse social media and I stumbled onto this challenge.  The challenge stated, Can you go 24 hours without complaining. Not even once. Then watch how your life starts changing. 

I'll spare the details, but I chose to take the challenge.  Furthermore, I'm taking that challenge every single day. At the same time that I stepped up to the challenge I also read an article on educator burnout.  The article talked about demoralization.  After reading the article I couldn't help but think and reflect.

What I believe is, when most people choose a profession/career they understand that not all days will be easy.  They are realistic that, over time, it will be normal to experience joy, sadness and stress.  Lastly, when most people begin a career they do so to serve and make a difference.  

My belief is this (and this led to my turnaround), if you are focused on your own stature, happiness, prestige or benefits you are likely to experience unfulfilled expectations.  You will be disappointed.  You will feel unsupported.  You will feel unappreciated. 
​However, if you focus on serving and helping others you will constantly be aiming to support and help make the people around you better.  This will create more joy and purpose in your life.   Shifting to a mindset of serving will make every setback an opportunity.

My hope in sharing is to show that I'm far from perfect.  I want to strive each day to lead with my heart and to be a person that serves.  I'm lucky, I've rediscovered my purpose and what's ironic is, I realized, it's not about me.
​